Do you ever feel like you’re running the same relationship script over and over? Either craving closeness, yet pushing away; or feeling unseen, yet doing all the showing up … and still not quite satisfied? If yes — you’re not alone.
In the book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love by Amir Levine, M.D. & Rachel S. F. Heller, M.A. (2010), you’ll discover how your attachment style—your brain and body’s default way of relating—can shape how you love, how you’re loved, and how you feel about being loved.
Understanding it is a game-changer. It’s not just about who you pick. It’s about how you’re wired.

I’m not exaggerating when I say that this book contains life changing insights!

What’s Going On Behind the Scenes

Levine & Heller show that our relationship patterns aren’t arbitrary—they’re connected to how our relational brain got wired. From childhood to adulthood, our attachment system (yes, it’s wired in) affects our needs for closeness, independence, and safety. Four Minute Books+1
In romantic relationships, this means: how you ask for love, how you respond to love, how you react when things feels off.
Here’s a look at the three main styles, and how spotting yours gives you access to new relational freedom.

The Three Attachment Styles + What They Mean for You

Secure

You feel comfortable with intimacy and your autonomy. You trust yourself, trust your partner. When things go rocky, you rebound.
In practice: you can say “I need X”, your partner hears it or they don’t—but you remain centred.

Anxious

You want closeness—but fear it. You may find yourself trying harder when you feel insecure, checking in for reassurance, over-thinking silence or signals.
In practice: you see a quiet text and your nervous system is already activated: “Have I done something wrong? Are they pulling away?”

Avoidant

You value your independence fiercely. Closeness sometimes feels like a threat. You might pull back, minimise your needs, or say “I’m fine” when you’re anything but.
In practice: you feel someone leaning in emotionally—and you instinctively lean out.
These distinctions come straight from the book. Readingraphics+1

Why This Matters (Especially for You)

• You’re no longer stuck on repeat. Once you know your style, that recurring relational pattern doesn’t feel “just the way things are” — it can be seen, understood, changed.
• You understand your partner differently. If you’re anxious and partner’s avoidant (or vice-versa) that cycle becomes more visible and less mysterious. You’re not just “mis-matched”, you’re activated.
• You reclaim your emotional power. If you’ve been leaning too far into pleasing, people-pleasing, or giving your power away in relationships (sound familiar?)—this gives you a lens to shift that.
• You upgrade your love-life AND your self-relating. Because how you relate to your partner reflects how you relate to yourself—and to your money, your business, your creativity. If you fear abandonment in love, you might fear loss in business. If you pull away in relationships, you may downgrade in your skill set or hide your value.

My Practical Takeaways for Your Heart + Life

• Start with you — Take a moment to reflect: When you’re in relationship or it’s getting real, what triggers you? Do you cling, escape, disconnect, panic? That’s your attachment system speaking.
• Name the loop — Recognise: “Here comes my anxious brain” or “Here comes my avoidant brain”. Just naming it uncouples you from it.
• Speak your needs — Use clear, “I” language. “I feel … when … I need …”. It’s your super-power.
• Choose differently — Chemistry is fun. Compatibility is sustainable. If your nervous system is triggered more often than not, what flags are waving?
• Integrate into your whole life — How you attach in love is the same wiring you bring to your business, your value, your voice. If you’re shrinking in love, you may be shrinking your talents. If you fear closeness, you may fear visibility.
• Move toward secure — It’s not fiction. Your style is not your fate. With awareness, choice, healthy support (coaching/therapy) you can step into more secure ways of relating.

Run This Experiment With Me

Take the quiz below → journal your results → reflect on how your style shows up in your current or past relationships.
🔗 Take the “What’s Your Attachment Style?” quiz
And yes: the book site offers deeper compatibility quizzes too.

Final Word

If you’re a woman who’s done the work—on money-stories, value-beliefs, becoming sovereign—you deserve a love life that reflects that sovereignty. Understanding your attachment style is not just a “relationship thing”. It’s a soul-sovereignty thing. It’s you stepping into emotional freedom.

Your next relationship—or the one you’re in right now—can be different. It can be aligned to your worth, your boundaries, your desires.

Take that quiz. See your pattern. Step into your secure-sovereign self.

And if you want to go deeper, let’s talk. Because that pattern in love reflects your pattern in business, in money, in creative voice. Let’s break the loop, rewrite the script, embody the connection you actually dream of.

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Credit:
Levine, Amir & Heller, Rachel S. F. Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love. TarcherPerigee (an imprint of Penguin Random House), 2010.