How Your Childhood Shaped the Way You Connect

Most of us don’t realise how much our early experiences with love, safety and connection shape the way we relate as adults. Whether you find yourself anxiously checking your phone to see if your message has been read, pulling away when things get close, or struggling to trust people at all — these patterns didn’t appear from nowhere.

They’re part of something called attachment theory — a powerful framework that helps explain how your nervous system learned to love, protect, and connect.

Let’s unpack what the four main attachment styles look like — from how they start in childhood to how they show up in adult life — and how you can begin to shift toward secure, healthy connection.

1. Secure Attachment: “I’m safe and loved.”

Childhood example:
A securely attached child grew up with consistent care. When they cried, a parent comforted them. When they explored, the caregiver encouraged it and stayed nearby. For instance, a little girl scrapes her knee, runs to her mum for a cuddle, and then happily runs back out to play. Her nervous system learns: the world is safe, and people come back.

Adult pattern:
These adults are generally comfortable with closeness and independence. They can communicate their needs, trust their partners, and repair after conflict. They don’t panic when someone pulls away — they assume there’s a reasonable explanation.

Growth edge:
Learning patience with others who don’t yet feel safe. Not everyone has had the same steady emotional ground.

Journal Prompts:

• When in my life have I felt truly seen and safe? What did that feel like in my body?
• How do I know when I’m securely connected to someone — what are the cues?
• How can I bring more of that grounded, trusting energy into my current relationships?
• In what moments do I naturally offer safety to others, and how can I celebrate that about myself?

2. Anxious (Preoccupied) Attachment: “Please don’t leave me.”

Childhood example:
This child’s caregiver was sometimes responsive — loving and warm one moment, distracted or unavailable the next. Imagine a little boy who cries for comfort; sometimes he’s scooped up, other times told he’s being “too sensitive.” He never knows which version of his parent he’ll get, so his system stays on alert.

Adult pattern:
Anxiously attached adults often crave reassurance and fear rejection. They might overthink messages, worry about tone, or feel panicky when someone pulls away. Connection feels like oxygen — when it’s absent, they spiral into self-doubt.

Growth edge:
Learning to self-soothe and regulate. Developing internal safety means you no longer need constant external reassurance to feel okay.

Journal Prompts:

• What situations make me feel most anxious or uncertain in relationships?
• When I don’t hear back from someone or feel distance, what story do I start to tell myself?
• How did the people who raised me respond when I needed comfort or attention?
• What helps me feel grounded and safe when I’m triggered or waiting for reassurance?
• How can I begin to give myself the validation I usually seek from others?

3. Avoidant (Dismissive) Attachment: “I can only rely on myself.”

Childhood example:
This child’s caregivers may have been physically present but emotionally unavailable. Picture a little girl who’s told to “toughen up” or whose tears are ignored. She learns that showing feelings doesn’t get comfort — it gets silence. Her body learns: needing people isn’t safe.

Adult pattern:
Avoidantly attached adults value independence and may withdraw when intimacy deepens. They often appear calm but disconnect emotionally under stress. Love feels safest at arm’s length.

Growth edge:
Learning that vulnerability isn’t weakness. Building emotional intimacy slowly, allowing others in, and practising co-regulation helps soften old defences.

Journal Prompts:

• What happens in my body when someone tries to get emotionally close to me?
• As a child, what messages did I receive about expressing emotions or needing help?
• When was the last time I truly let someone support me — and how did that feel?
• What would it mean for me to see vulnerability as a form of strength rather than risk?
• How might I start experimenting with letting people in — even just a little?

4. Disorganised (Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment: “I want love, but I’m scared of it.”

Childhood example:
This style often forms in chaotic or frightening environments — where the caregiver is both the source of comfort and fear. Think of a child who runs for safety and is met with anger, volatility, or neglect. Their nervous system short-circuits between approach and avoidance: the person I need is also the one who hurts me.

Adult pattern:
Adults with this pattern often crave closeness but fear being trapped or hurt. Relationships can feel like emotional whiplash — one moment all-in, the next needing distance. It’s exhausting because their inner child still doesn’t know what safety feels like.

Growth edge:
Healing disorganized attachment requires deep nervous system work and trauma repair — learning that it’s possible to feel safe and connected at the same time.

HeartMath, somatic coaching and shamanic healing are incredibly effective here because they help the body experience safety directly, not just talk about it.

Journal Prompts:

• When do I notice myself pulling people close, then pushing them away?
• What early experiences taught me that love and fear can exist in the same space?
• What does safety feel like to me — and what makes it feel unfamiliar?
• How can I remind myself that connection and safety can coexist now?
• What practices (breathing, grounding, self-soothing, HeartMath, etc.) help me calm my body enough to stay present with love?

Moving Toward Secure Attachment

The beautiful truth is that attachment styles aren’t fixed. They’re adaptive strategies your younger self developed to survive — and you can absolutely rewire them.

Try these steps:

1. Awareness: Notice your triggers and patterns without shame.
2. Regulation: Use nervous system tools — breathwork, HeartMath, grounding — to calm reactivity.
3. Boundaries: Learn to express needs clearly and respectfully.
4. Reparenting: Offer yourself the compassion and consistency you may have missed.
5. Safe connection: Seek out people (or a coach) who model emotional safety.

With time and practice, you can teach your nervous system that love doesn’t have to mean fear, inconsistency, or distance — it can mean calm, connection, and trust.

Final Thoughts

Your attachment style isn’t a flaw; it’s a map of how your heart learned to stay safe. Understanding it gives you the power to rewrite the story. Healing happens not by fixing who you are, but by learning to feel safe enough to be yourself.

Ready to explore your attachment patterns?

Through my bespoke 1:1 Life Coaching and 6-Week Nervous System Reset, I help you understand your emotional wiring, regulate your nervous system, and build the self-worth and security you’ve been craving.

👉 Book a FREE Connection call to find out more about working with me HERE