Are You Actually Ready to Give Up the Patterns That Keep You Stuck?

I recently came across a quote attributed to Alan Watts that stopped me in my tracks.

The gist of it was this:

Before healing someone, ask whether they’re prepared to give up the things that are keeping them sick.

Because most of us would say we want things to change.

We want the better relationship.

We want to stop people-pleasing.

We want to have boundaries.

We want to stop worrying what everyone thinks.

We want to stop over-functioning.

We want to feel more confident, make more money, have healthier relationships and finally stop repeating the same bloody patterns.

But there’s another question we don’t ask nearly as often: What would I have to give up in order for my life to actually change?

Because sometimes the very things making us unhappy are also the things that make us feel safe.

Familiar suffering is still familiar

Human beings don’t always choose what’s best for us.

Very often, we choose what’s familiar.

If you grew up believing that love had to be earned, you might find yourself repeatedly attracted to people whose love you have to work for.

If keeping everyone happy helped maintain peace in your family, people-pleasing might feel safer than saying no.

If being useful was how you received attention or approval, you might become the person who does everything for everyone.

If the adults around you were unreliable, hyper-independence might have become your way of making sure nobody could ever let you down again.

If achievement earned you praise, you might spend your adult life relentlessly proving your worth.

None of these behaviours originally appeared because there was something wrong with you.

They were solutions that helped you navigate the environment you found yourself in.

The problem is that a strategy developed by a seven-year-old can still be quietly running the life of a forty-seven-year-old.

And what once helped you survive can eventually become the thing keeping you stuck.

Your patterns usually give you something

This is the bit I think we often miss.

We focus on what our patterns cost us, but rarely consider what they give us.

People-pleasing might give you approval.

Perfectionism might protect you from criticism.

Over-functioning might give you control.

Being the rescuer might make you feel needed.

Avoiding conflict might protect you from rejection.

Choosing unavailable partners might protect you from the vulnerability required in a genuinely intimate relationship.

Never asking for help might protect you from being disappointed.

So when you try to change one of these patterns, you’re not simply stopping a bad habit.

You’re removing a strategy that may have been keeping you psychologically safe for decades.

Which is why one of my favourite questions to explore with clients is: What has this pattern been doing for you?

And then: What might you have to feel, face or risk if you stopped doing it?

That’s often where things get interesting.

Sometimes changing can feel like betraying your family

This is something we explore a lot in Family Constellations work.

We don’t develop in isolation.

We grow up inside families, and those families have beliefs, behaviours, expectations, roles and ways of surviving that existed long before we arrived.

Perhaps the women in your family survived by putting everybody else first.

Perhaps the men worked themselves into the ground because providing was how they demonstrated love.

Perhaps nobody talked about feelings.

Perhaps money was always scarce.

Perhaps marriage meant enduring rather than enjoying.

Perhaps being successful meant working ridiculously hard.

Perhaps speaking up resulted in punishment, withdrawal or rejection.

You may consciously disagree with all of those things and still find yourself repeating versions of them.

Because belonging is powerful.

Imagine generations of women in your family sacrificing themselves for everybody else.

Then you come along and say:

Actually, I’m going to choose myself.

Logically, that might sound healthy.

But somewhere underneath it could feel like:

Who am I to have what they couldn’t?

Am I selfish for wanting more?

If I live differently, do I still belong?

Am I rejecting my mother by refusing to live like her?

And suddenly changing isn’t simply about learning to say no.

It can touch identity, belonging and loyalty.

Healing can have a cost

We tend to talk about healing as though we put down our pain and immediately skip off into the sunset feeling liberated.

Sometimes we do feel liberated.

But sometimes change is bloody uncomfortable.

You stop people-pleasing and someone gets annoyed with you.

You stop over-functioning and someone else has to start functioning.

You stop rescuing people and they might not like it.

You stop chasing unavailable people and the relationship might end.

You stop proving your worth and you have to tolerate not constantly achieving.

You start setting boundaries and people who benefited from your lack of boundaries may push back.

You stop accepting crumbs and you might have to be alone for a while.

You stop organising your identity around struggle and suddenly have to ask:

Who am I if I’m not this person anymore?

That’s the part of change we don’t put on inspirational Instagram graphics.

Wanting change and being ready for change aren’t always the same thing

You can desperately want your life to be different while simultaneously having a part of you that is terrified of doing anything differently.

Those two things can exist together.

You can want a healthy relationship and still feel magnetically drawn towards familiar unhealthy dynamics.

You can want boundaries and still feel guilty every time you enforce one.

You can want more money and still feel uncomfortable being visible, charging properly or surpassing the financial circumstances you grew up with.

You can want freedom while finding the uncertainty that comes with freedom terrifying.

This doesn’t mean you’re incapable of changing.

It means there’s probably more underneath the behaviour than you’ve previously realised.

Which is exactly why simply telling ourselves to stop doing it rarely works.

So perhaps we need a different question

Instead of asking: Why do I keep doing this?

Try these on for size:

What did this pattern once do for me?

What does it still give me?

What does it protect me from?

Where did I learn it?

Who else in my family lived this way?

What feels dangerous about doing something different?

And perhaps most importantly: What would I have to give up for my life to actually change?

Maybe it’s approval.

Maybe it’s being needed.

Maybe it’s control.

Maybe it’s being right.

Maybe it’s the fantasy that someone else will eventually change.

Maybe it’s an identity you’ve carried for decades.

Maybe it’s a relationship.

Maybe it’s a role you’ve always played in your family.

Maybe it’s a definition of yourself that simply isn’t true anymore.

Because seeing the pattern is only the beginning.

Eventually, you have to decide whether you’re prepared to stop participating in it.

Everyone wants to break the pattern until breaking the pattern requires them to behave differently.

And that’s where the real work begins.

Ready to look at what’s keeping you stuck?

Family Constellations can be a powerful way to explore the patterns, roles and loyalties operating underneath the surface of your life; particularly when you understand intellectually what’s happening but still can’t seem to change it.

Sometimes seeing the wider context of a pattern changes your relationship with it completely.

I offer 1:1 online Family Constellations sessions, as well as in-person workshops, where we can explore what’s underneath a repeating issue and what might need to shift for you to move forward.

If you’re not sure whether Family Constellations is right for what you’re experiencing, you can also book a free discovery call and we can have a chat.

BOOK A FAMILY CONSTELLATIONS SESSION HERE.

BOOK A FREE DISCOVERY CALL HERE.