Why You Haven’t Failed (and How to Come Back to Yourself)

Divorce can look like an ending from the outside.

But on the inside? It can feel like an identity collapse. A nervous system crash. A grief you didn’t expect. A strange mix of freedom and fear, relief and shame.

In a recent episode of the Lemons & Pineapples Podcast, I spoke with Isabelle Ulenaers, a psychologist, trauma specialist, and best-selling author who supports women through the emotional aftermath of divorce using a neuroscience-informed blend of psychology, coaching, EFT, EMDR, and somatic integration.

And honestly? This conversation felt like a deep exhale. You can watch the episode on YouTube HERE.

Because the truth is: for most women, the hardest part isn’t leaving.

It’s everything that follows.

Divorce isn’t a failure; it can be a portal

One of the most powerful themes Isabelle shared is this:

Divorce is not a failure. It’s often the beginning of something new.

So many women are taught to see divorce as something shameful, something to hide, something that means you “couldn’t make it work.”

But as Isabelle explained, what’s actually happening is often an identity revolution.

You’re not just leaving a marriage, you’re outgrowing the version of you that survived it.

“It’s not just about him. It’s about you outgrowing that old pattern… the old created version.” — Isabelle Ulenaers

This “old created version” is the one that learned the rules early on:
Be good. Be polite. Be the easy one. Don’t be too much. Don’t rock the boat.

And for many women, that version becomes so normal that we don’t realise we’ve lost ourselves until we wake up one day and think:

Where did I go?

The slow erosion: how women lose themselves in “socially acceptable” ways

Isabelle described something I see again and again in my own work: self-abandonment rarely happens overnight.

It happens gradually — in tiny micro-moments.

• Saying yes when your body is screaming no
• Swallowing your needs to keep the peace
• Being the “good wife” who makes it work
• Performing happiness while feeling quietly lonely
• Staying because it’s “fine” and you “should be grateful”

Over time, those tiny moments become a whole way of life.

“Most women don’t lose themselves all at once. It’s just piece by piece… in those small, socially acceptable ways.” — Isabelle Ulenaers

And then one day you look in the mirror, or see a photo of yourself and something hits:

I don’t recognise her anymore.

“He’s nice though…” — the shame of leaving a “fine” marriage

This part of the conversation will resonate with so many women.

Because leaving an obviously abusive relationship can be clearly understood by others.

But leaving a marriage that’s “fine”? That’s where the shame gets loud.

You start hearing yourself say things like:

• “He doesn’t hit me.”
• “He doesn’t cheat.”
• “He’s good with the kids.”
• “He’s not a bad person.”
• “So I should be happy.”

Isabelle named this so clearly: we’ve been conditioned to believe we need a “good enough” reason to leave — and that desire doesn’t count as a reason.

But it does.

The burger and fries analogy (and why it’s brilliant)

Isabelle shared a metaphor that I can’t stop thinking about.

Imagine someone invites you to a Michelin-star restaurant. Everyone tells you how lucky you are; how incredible it is, how amazing the chef is, how perfect it all is.

But you sit down… and you realise:

You just want a burger and fries.

You’re not saying the restaurant is bad.
You’re not saying the chef is terrible.

You’re simply acknowledging:

This isn’t what I want.

“We feel like we’re rejecting him… but it isn’t that. It’s recognising what I want and what I need.” — Isabelle Ulenaers

And yet with relationships, we’re taught that wanting something different makes us the villain.

Guilt vs shame: the difference matters

Isabelle broke down something so important:

• Guilt is “I did something wrong.”
• Shame is “I am something wrong.”

“Guilt is what I do, and shame is who I am.” — Isabelle Ulenaers

So a woman might feel guilt for leaving (“I’m doing something wrong”), but shame goes deeper (“I must be a bad woman”).

And shame lives in the body: the tight chest, frozen throat, ruminating mind, over-explaining, trying to justify your needs into being allowed.

This is often why women stay in “fine” marriages far longer than they want to — because shame makes self-trust feel dangerous.

Why “What do I want?” can feel too big after divorce

As a coach, I often ask women: What do you want?

But Isabelle made a key point: for many women, that question is too big when you’re still in survival mode.

“You can’t know what you want when you’re in a survival pattern… it’s built out of fear, guilt, and taking care.” — Isabelle Ulenaers

So instead of “What do I want?” she offered a gentler starting point:

Try this instead: “Do I want this?”

Not forever. Not in theory. Not in a big, life-changing way.

Just:

• Do I want to be on this stage?
• Do I want this environment?
• Do I feel seen? Heard? Connected?
• Where do I feel myself disappear?

And then: where do you abandon yourself?

Not to judge yourself, but to become aware.

Because awareness is the beginning of returning.

Coming back to yourself through small choices (that rebuild self-trust)

One of my favourite parts of the conversation was how grounded Isabelle made this.

Reclaiming yourself doesn’t start with a dramatic reinvention.

It starts with tiny, practical choices.

Like dinner.

She said most women ask: “What does everyone want to eat tonight?”
And then they make that.

But what if you practiced asking:

What do I want to eat tonight?

Not as a power move.
Not as a rebellion.

But as a nervous system retraining.

“My needs exist too.” — Isabelle Ulenaers

This is how self-trust is rebuilt:
one small moment at a time.

It might look like:

• Buying the snack you like, not just everyone else’s
• Choosing music you enjoy (and noticing what you actually love)
• Pausing before you say yes
• Tracking the somatic “yes” and “no” in your body
• Noticing when you’re helping from desire vs helping from fear

These are tiny choices, but they send a huge message to your psyche:

I matter. I’m here. I’m listening now.

Fear will show up — and that doesn’t mean you’re wrong

This is the part I want every woman to hear.

When you change something, fear will speak up.

Because fear is the old system trying to keep you safe.

Isabelle described fear like an alarm system — and I loved her metaphor of Rapunzel in the tower.

Rapunzel wants to go out and see the world.
But the “mother” (fear) tells her the world is dangerous — that she won’t survive.

“That’s fear… keeping her in the tower.” — Isabelle Ulenaers

The goal isn’t to eliminate fear.

The goal is to learn: fear isn’t truth, it’s conditioning.

And once you can calm the fear enough, you can set boundaries. You can make decisions. You can rebuild.

The most dangerous belief: “My needs are negotiable”

Isabelle ended the episode with a line that deserves to be written on a sticky note and put on every woman’s mirror:

“The most dangerous belief we carry is the idea that our needs are negotiable — and everyone else’s aren’t.” — Isabelle Ulenaers

Your needs are not negotiable.

Not because you’re selfish.
Not because you’re unkind.

But because you’re human.

And your life is yours.

If you’re in the aftermath of divorce (or quietly considering it)

If you’re sitting in that in-between space — scared, tender, unsure — I want you to know:

You’re not broken beyond or flawed, you might simply be in the middle of an identity return.

And you don’t have to do it alone.

Want support?

If this spoke to you, and you’d like help rebuilding self-worth, calming the fear, and coming back to yourself with steadiness and compassion, you’re welcome to reach out.

Come and book a free call with me HERE and we’ll explore what support would look like for you, gently, honestly, and at your pace.

And if you want to connect with Isabelle Ulenaers, you can find her on Instagram @isabelle.ulenaers or visit her website www.isabelleulenaers.com