Self-aware people seem to be a little like an under cooked steak; rare.

I joke (sort of) but in your own life, the relationships that trigger you and the conflicts that never get resolved will likely be egged on by a lack of self-awareness and personal accountability somewhere along the line. 

When it comes to the choice between solving a problem or creating a whole new one, a dash of self-awareness can make all the difference.

So what exactly is self-awareness?

In a nutshell, self-awareness is the ability to think before you act; it’s choosing to respond at any given time rather than reflexively reacting. I speak from experience when I say that once you get a handle on the skill of being a self-aware person, it’s a way of being that will positively affect and influence every aspect of your life.

Why self-awareness matters

Here are some behavioural traits to assist you in identifying a person who lacks self-awareness: 

• Blaming everyone else for their situation 
• Taking zero accountability for their actions
• Moody as hell
• Causing chaos thanks to their inability to see the impact their behaviour has on others
• Being impulsive, reactive, selfish, unpredictable and incredibly hard-work to be around

Unless these are character traits you strive to cultivate, self-awareness should matter to you.

Self-awareness is a game of two halves: internal and external

The fundamentals of internal self-awareness

Thoughts: it’s rarely the circumstances you find yourself in that cause a problem, it’s your thoughts about the circumstances you’re in that start the negative thought train running in your mind.

Emotions: the thoughts you think determine the emotions you experience from moment to moment. Until you bring your emotional states into your conscious awareness, you’ll be living at their mercy.

Somatic feelings: the emotions you experience influence how you feel physically.

Actions and behaviour: the way you feel mentally and physically thanks to the thoughts you think will determine how you behave and the action you take (or don’t take – procrastinators I have you in my sights here) as a result.

Values: your personal values will influence your perspective on your circumstances which will in turn power the thought train.

Needs: whether or not your needs are met and your perception of this will also feed your internal chatter.

Internal self-awareness begins with gently and non-judgementally observing the goings on inside yourself.

The fundamentals of external self-awareness

Consequences: every action you take has a consequence for you and also for others. Think before you speak and look before you leap.

Behaviours: the way you behave impacts and influences the people around you and helps to create the circumstances they find themselves in which will determine their internal landscape.

Other people’s perception: picking up on how other people perceive you allows you to adjust your behaviour accordingly.

External self-awareness begins by reflecting, through a lens of curiosity, on how your actions and behaviour might affect others.

How does self-awareness look in reality?

I’ll share an example from my own life. My husband and I were having a slight disagreement a week or so ago and he made a comment that triggered me. I wanted to bite back in retaliation with a comment that would trigger him, however I caught myself just before I allowed it to fly out of my mouth and pulled up the handbrake before I could add fuel to the fire. My self-awareness gave me a split second to weigh up the possible consequences of unleashing some snarky rhetoric and I decided that it would only escalate the disagreement, not resolve it, which was my ultimate goal.

Being self-aware doesn’t mean you won’t get triggered and you won’t still have the urge to react, it means you’re armed with a choice in the moment so you’re not at the mercy of your unconscious thought patterns and behaviour. Self-awareness gives you the power to respond wisely to your circumstances and in turn create a better reality for yourself and others.

How to develop your own self-awareness

Define your personal values: these are the core beliefs and principles that you consider to be of the utmost importance in life. When you make the time to identify these, you can observe whether or not your thoughts and ensuing behaviour line up with them, and adjust yourself accordingly. Two of my values are integrity and honesty and I often check in with myself to make sure my actions and interactions with others align with these.

Observe your thoughts: your reality is created inside your mind. The thoughts you think shape your external life. If you want a different experience, change starts within. Curiously checking in throughout your day, what thoughts do you notice? Are they negative and judgemental or kind and compassionate? Self-awareness begins with observing your thoughts. Only when you bring something into your conscious awareness do you have the power to change it.

Listen to your emotions: thoughts create emotions. Whilst you observe your thoughts, start to observe the emotions that follow. Where in your body do you feel specific emotions? Can you name them? Again, this is an awareness exercise. Your emotions will be driving the majority of your behaviours, when you recognise them, you loosen the grip they have on the action you take.

Understand your needs: negative thoughts are often fuelled by unmet needs which left unchecked, may spill out all over other people. Taking the time to understand your unique human needs (these may well be linked to your values) empowers you with the ability to articulate them to someone else with eloquence not passive-aggressive behaviour or verbal violence.

Regulate your nervous system: do you know what it feels like in your body when your nervous system is activated? An activated nervous system i.e. being in a fight or flight state makes for a potentially reactive human. Learning to tune into your nervous system and consciously regulate it gives you greater control over your emotional state and your behaviour. Drop me a line to find out more about how HeartMath can assist with this.

Manage your stress: being emotionally, mentally or physically stressed impairs your ability to think clearly. Stress and self-awareness are not a match made in heaven. If you want to improve your self-awareness, it’s essential that you learn to manage your stress.

Reflect on your behaviour: can you think of a situation where your behaviour has caused a chain reaction with others? Either in a positive or negative way. If you track backwards, what did you do? How was your behaviour influenced by your emotional state? How was your emotional state influenced by your internal dialogue? How might you adjust your behaviour if you could replay the situation?

Learn from your mistakes: self-awareness isn’t about never letting your emotions get the better of you, it’s about noticing when they do and doing better next time. Regularly reflecting on how your behaviour lines up with your personal values is a great place to start. I shared earlier that two of my core values are integrity and honesty; if I don’t behave in alignment with those, I feel guilty and that guilt is an invitation to either make amends if my behaviour has had a negative impact on someone else or do better next time.

To be self-aware is to have self-control and that’s a recipe for personal power.

Having conscious awareness of your thoughts, feelings and resulting behaviours will change the way you feel day-today, improve your interactions with others, help you diffuse and resolve conflict and fundamentally put you back in the driving seat of your life which is really the best place to be.

Here are some resources that might also help you:

STOP Procrastinating in 7 Days – Access the course here.

1:1 coaching – book a strategy call here to find out more.