(And How to Train Your Nervous System to Access Calm on Demand)

For years, I thought there was something wrong with me: I couldn’t switch off, I felt like I always had to be “on” and I was perpetually thinking, integrating, reflecting and producing or feeling guilty when I wasn’t.

Even when I tried to rest, my body stayed braced.
And if I paid attention to my body at all, I fixated on one thing: my jaw.

It was always tight.
Clenched.
Holding.

And when people talked about “relaxing into the body,” “softening,” or “dropping in,” I felt irritated, restless, or trapped. I hated body scan meditations. I wanted them to end. My nervous system wasn’t soothed by stillness, it was activated by it.

What I now understand is this: I wasn’t bad at relaxing; my nervous system had simply never learned that calm was safe.

Why so many people can’t switch off

If you’re someone who:

• Is productive, capable, and self-aware
• Has learned to manage life by staying mentally alert
• Equates rest with laziness, risk, or loss of control
• Feels edgy, bored, or uncomfortable when things go quiet

…then switching off isn’t a skill you’re missing, it’s a state your body doesn’t trust yet.

Many nervous systems learned early on that:

• Safety came from vigilance
• Worth came from usefulness
• Stillness invited scrutiny or disappointment
• Letting go meant something might fall apart

So the system stays “on”, for the simple reason that being ready once kept you safe.

Why calm is often accessed through cigarettes, alcohol, sex, or drugs

This is where we need to be honest and compassionate with ourselves.

For many people, the only time they experience true in-the-moment calm is through:

• Nicotine
• Alcohol
• Substances
• Compulsive scrolling
• Food
• Sex

Why?

Because these things temporarily bypass the nervous system’s guard by: slowing internal chatter, reducing muscular “holding” tension, interrupting the brain’s Default Mode Network which is responsible for self-monitoring and creating small moments of relief.

The relief is real, but it’s external, short-lived, and often followed by: rebound tension, guile or shame and the nervous system snapping sharply back into a state of vigilance, which kick-starts the cycle all over again.

The problem isn’t that people are “using” these things to access relief, the problem is that their nervous systems were never taught another way to access calm.

The jaw: where productivity and self-control live

For me, this showed up most clearly in my jaw.

My jaw was always working:

• Holding myself together
• Restraining emotion
• Staying alert
• Staying useful

When I finally stopped trying to “relax” it and instead noticed why it was holding, I experienced a shift.

I wasn’t tense because I was doing life wrong, I was tense because my body believed: If I stop holding, I’m not safe.

That insight changed everything.

Calm is not a mindset — it’s a trained capacity

This is the piece I want you to really hear:

Calm is not something you think your way into.
It’s something your nervous system learns through experience.

And crucially:

• You don’t start by “dropping into the body”
• You don’t force stillness
• You don’t push through discomfort

You train calm the same way you train a muscle: gently, briefly, and repeatedly.

How I learned to access calm on demand (without forcing)

Here’s what actually worked and what I now guide others to do.

Instead of focusing inside my body (which made me want to escape), I started with support.

I noticed:

• The chair supporting my back
• The surface holding my weight
• The fact that I didn’t need to hold myself up

When I allowed that support to register — even for a few seconds — something happened on its own:

• My breath deepened
• My internal tension softened
• My jaw unclenched slightly

I didn’t do anything, I stopped doing.

Then — and this is important — my mind snapped back in and my jaw tightened again.

But instead of judging that, I noticed it and went back to feeling the chair supporting my back again.

That’s the training.

Nervous system training, not nervous system control

What I learned is this: calm was already available to me, but my system just had a narrow tolerance window for it and when calm lasted “too long,” my control reflexes came back online.

So the work wasn’t creating calm.

It was gradually extending my tolerance for it.

This is nervous system training, not healing, fixing, or bypassing.

Each time you:

• Allow a moment of comfort
• Notice the snap-back
• Don’t judge it
• Gently return to support

…you widen the window.

That’s how “on demand calm” is built.

What embodiment actually means (without the buzzwords)

Let’s clear this up, because embodiment is everywhere right now and it’s a concept that’s often misunderstood.

Embodiment is not:

• Loving your body
• Feeling relaxed all the time
• Enjoying sensations
• Doing long body scans

Embodiment is:

The ability to stay with your experience — even briefly — without needing to escape, control, or override it.

For some people, that starts with sensation, for others (like me), it starts with support, permission, and relief.

Both count.

If you can’t switch off, nothing is wrong with you

Your body is not working against you, it’s protecting you.

And the most radical thing you can do is stop trying to force calm, and instead teach your system that ease is safe.

Even for 10 seconds.
Even for one breath.
Even once a day.

That’s enough to begin.

A gentle invitation

If this resonates; if you recognise yourself in the clenched jaw, the constant “on-ness,” the guilt around rest, know this:

You don’t need to earn calm.
You need to practice allowing it.

And that is something your nervous system can learn.

Want support with this?

This is the kind of work I guide people through; gently, practically, and without forcing the body into states it doesn’t yet trust.

If you’re curious about learning how to:

• Access calm without substances or collapse
• Work with your nervous system instead of against it
• Soften without losing your edge or productivity

You’re welcome to get in touch HERE or book a no-pressure call HERE.

Your system doesn’t need fixing.
It needs retraining with kindness.