We’ve all been there — hooked on someone who can’t (or won’t) truly meet us. Maybe he’s emotionally distant, “not ready for a relationship,” or only surfaces when you’ve just begun to move on. It’s as if he holds a magnetic pull that keeps you orbiting around his potential, not his reality.

Welcome to the cult of the unavailable man — a place where your self-worth goes to be tested.

Why We’re Drawn to Unavailability

When you crave love that feels just out of reach, it often mirrors an early emotional blueprint — a childhood experience of having to work for love, approval, or attention. You might have learned that love meant waiting, proving, fixing, or being “good enough.”

So when an unavailable man appears, the nervous system lights up with familiarity. The rollercoaster — the highs of connection, the lows of distance — feels like home. But this isn’t love; it’s a trauma bond disguised as chemistry.

The Hidden Belief Beneath It

At the root of this pattern sits a belief: “I’m not worthy of consistent, secure love.”
That belief unconsciously attracts relationships where you have to over-function — trying to win love, explain yourself, or be “chosen.”

Each time you stay, chase, or hope he’ll finally see you, you reaffirm that belief. The cycle keeps your self-worth tied to his availability, rather than your own inner value.

The Awakening

Healing begins when you recognise the emotional cost of waiting for someone who doesn’t meet you halfway. You begin to see that your desire for intensity has been masking a deep longing for safety.

The real work is reclaiming that safety inside yourself. When you rebuild self-worth at a nervous-system level, you no longer crave the adrenaline of emotional inconsistency. You start to crave peace, clarity, and mutual effort instead.

How to Break the Spell

1. Acknowledge the pattern. Stop judging yourself for being drawn to it — it’s not weakness, it’s conditioning.
2. Regulate your nervous system. Use breathwork, HeartMath practices, and grounding techniques to re-teach your body what calm connection feels like.
3. Re-parent the part of you that needed to earn love. Offer her unconditional acceptance — she’s tired of performing.
4. Redefine attraction. Notice how your body responds to secure, consistent people. At first it might feel “boring.” That’s healing in progress.
5. Choose self-trust over fantasy. Each time you walk away from inconsistency, you affirm your worth.
6. Understand your attachment style. Your attraction to an unavailable man is being driven by behaviour, not personality and behaviour patterns can be changed.

The Liberation

When you step out of the cult of the unavailable man, you begin to see that real intimacy doesn’t require fixing, waiting, or proving. It requires presence — from both people.

You start to realise that your worth has never been dependent on someone else’s capacity to love you. It’s intrinsic. It’s sacred. It’s yours.

💫 Ready to Reclaim Your Self-Worth?

I help women in midlife break free from old patterns of over-functioning and emotional scarcity to build self-trust, confidence, and sovereignty. Through a blend of HeartMath, nervous-system regulation, and deep belief alchemy, we restore safety, clarity, and self-leadership.

✨ Book a free connection call or a 75-minute Breakthrough Session to begin your own self-worth reclamation.