I’m a prolific reader and one of the most impactful books I’ve read on relationships and self-awareness is The Dance of Anger by Harriet G. Lerner, Ph.D. (Her follow up The Dance of Intimacy is also well worth a read). It’s a classic guide to navigating conflict, understanding yourself in relationship dynamics, and learning how to change long-standing patterns that keep you stuck.

What struck me most was Lerner’s explanation of the ways we unconsciously take on roles in our closest relationships — particularly the dynamic of over-functioning and under-functioning.

What Does Over-Functioning and Under-Functioning Mean in Relationships?

In The Dance of Anger, Lerner explains that in many relationships, one person steps into the “over-functioning” role while the other slips into the “under-functioning” role.

• Over-functioners take charge, offer advice, anticipate problems, and often do more than their fair share. They appear “strong” and “together,” but they carry the weight of responsibility for everyone else.
• Under-functioners are seen as less capable, less organized, or more “emotional.” They end up on the receiving end of advice or caretaking, which keeps them dependent and reinforces the imbalance.

These roles aren’t fixed personality traits — they’re patterns we adopt in relationships. You may be the over-functioner in one dynamic and the under-functioner in another.

How Change Back Behaviours Keep You Stuck

When you decide to shift these patterns, you step out of the familiar dance. An over-functioner might set new boundaries and stop managing everything. An under-functioner might begin to step up, speak up, and take more responsibility.

But here’s the challenge: when you change, the people around you often push back. Lerner calls this the “change back” message. It’s the subtle or not-so-subtle pressure to return to your old role. It might sound like:

• “You’re being selfish.”
• “Why are you making things so difficult?”
• “You’ve changed — and not in a good way.”

This pushback is normal — it’s the system trying to restore balance. But if you give in, the old patterns will remain intact.

Sitting in the Discomfort of Change

Lasting change requires learning to sit in the discomfort of those “change back” behaviours without retreating.

It’s uncomfortable to hear criticism, feel guilt, or sense tension when you hold your boundary. It’s tempting to step back into over-functioning (because it feels easier) or to collapse into under-functioning (because it feels safer).

But true transformation comes from holding steady. When you resist being pulled back, you create the space for the relationship to shift into greater balance and honesty.

A Relatable Example of Over-Functioning and Change

Consider a woman who has always taken responsibility for everything at home — managing bills, scheduling the children’s appointments, remembering birthdays, and even organising her partner’s commitments. She is the over-functioner.

One day, she decides to set a boundary: “I’m not going to remind you about your dentist appointments anymore — that’s your responsibility.”

Her partner reacts with irritation: “Why are you being so unhelpful? You know I’ll forget if you don’t remind me.” This is a classic change back response.

In this moment, her challenge is to resist slipping back into her old role. Instead of smoothing things over or rescuing, she has to sit with the discomfort of being labelled “selfish” and allow her partner the space to step up, or deal with the consequences of a missed dental appointment. Over time, this shift can lead to a healthier, more balanced partnership.

Why This Matters for Healthy Relationships

Recognising the cycle of over-functioning and under-functioning is the first step toward breaking free of unhealthy relationship patterns.

• It allows you to see where you’re doing too much (or too little).
• It helps you understand the resistance you face when you begin to change.
• It reminds you that discomfort isn’t failure — it’s the path to growth.

As Harriet Lerner teaches, conflict and discomfort aren’t the enemy. They are invitations to grow into more authentic, equal, and connected relationships.

Closing Thoughts: Don’t Let Change Back Behaviours Define You

Harriet Lerner’s The Dance of Anger is a powerful resource for anyone ready to stop repeating the same cycles in relationships. Her message is clear: don’t let the discomfort of “change back” messages pull you into the same old dance.

Stay with the discomfort long enough for new patterns to take root. That’s where lasting transformation happens — both within yourself and in your relationships.

👉 If you recognize yourself in these patterns — whether you tend to over-function, under-function, or struggle with “change back” pressure — coaching can help. Book a session with me today and let’s work together to help you hold steady, break free of unhelpful dynamics, and build healthier, more balanced relationships.

Schedule a free connection call with me here.